Titanic Trio, Season Two, Episode Two.
Today's best dressed super hero, with nearly thirty acres to patrol and a house full of misfits to guard, has something to say.
"It's a lot to take on," he said to the reporter. "I mean nobody in this house is working with a full set of teeth, if you know what I mean."
And then he told his story.
I moved into the black hole just outside of Harmony Grove with a very young mom and a dad and their tiny baby. We lived in the basement of the house of Millie and Sven. Then they moved away and left me.
I spent my lonely hours bench pressing the weights my dad never touches, studying Houdini and reading the Bible.
One morning while Millie was down there doing some laundry, I managed to slip out the door and up the stairs into the sunshine.
Bark Man woke up and immediately ratted me out. He was a super spoiled barker back then. He still is.
I skidded past him.
As an escape artist, I was slipping out of the downstairs most every day. Finally when Millie and Sven realized that it was impossible to keep me down there and that nobody was actually getting killed. That it was just a bunch of barking. I got to stay upstairs.
They eventually adopted me because I am so cute.
Bark Man and I are friends now. He is not right in the head so sometimes he forgets about that, but it's okay. He can't help it. He is very old and he thinks he is some kind of a caped crusader, because according to Millie, in his prime he was King of the Jungle.
Well I rule the turf now and chase all the vermin away while he sits on the porch and barks at nothing.
There is a lot to do around here, between the bird feeder, the woodpile, the field and the dunes. The amount of critters that think they can waltz around like they own this place is really astonishing.
I don't mean to be judgmental but squirrels are disrespectful dickheads.
The burn pile on the other side of the driveway, the one that hasn't been torched for a number of years is full of homeless squatters. I have to police that thing non stop.
And don't even get me started on the back deck situation.
I do take mini breaks through out the day. I stop in, as in, cling to the screen of the kitchen door, so that my mom scoops up that sleeping old bat and takes her back downstairs to her assisted living apartment with her heated bed, where she belongs. This way I keep my mom in shape, or as she says, "I sink her ship," and Cat Lady remembers who is boss.
You see, we were one big happy family for a while. It was my mom, my dad, Bark Man and me.
Those were the glory days.
And then a scruffy old bag in pearls shows up and tells my mom that she is homeless.
WTF.
I was like, "Maybe she is homeless because she is a bitch."
My parents tried every technique in the world to get us two acquainted in hopes that we would become friends.
It is very difficult to get along with someone who screams nasty words, releases her bowels and her bladder and then lays there in a ball like she is dead, waiting for your parents to show up so that it looks like you did something to cause this.
And then your parents whisk you up and throw you out the door.
All I ever do is stare at her with my big devil circle eyes while I sharpen my claws, and she loses it.
Literally.
I am almost three now.
And unlike the geezers around here who refuse to hang up their capes when their time has come, I am going to retire from the Titanic Trio before I need help getting up, like Bark Man and his new sling he has been bragging about. Or I cannot hear a thing but can still yell profanities all day, like Cat Lady.
What I am going to do is open a restaurant, the way other famous people do. A Paul Newman kind of a move, where I will serve baby rabbits and snakes and have my picture on bags of treats in the grocery store.
But, this is going to take some financial backing from my parents and my mom said, "Absolutely not!"
I am not worried.
I have plenty of time to work on her.
She always gives in.
I mean.
Look at me.
For more stories in this crime fighting series, click above on Titanic Trio.