"Pour some sugar on me, baby!!!!"
This is Hunter's favorite line from Hunter's favorite song.
He also likes the one about love being hot and sticky sweet.
Hunter is a dog.
He lives in the black hole just outside Harmony Grove, with my Sweet Sven and me.
Hunter is part def.
We did not realize this when he moved in six years ago at the age of four.
His mother at the time did not mention it.
She was too busy peeling out of our driveway.
We just assumed that he was loud and disrespectful. And that was why he ignored our pleas to stop barking, to stop barking and to stop barking.
We had no idea he couldn't hear us.
Of course, he couldn't hear us.
He was barking.
But you know what?
Hunter doesn't know that he can't hear.
And we are not about to tell him.
Because he wouldn't hear us anyway.
I have tried teaching him sign language, but he cannot tell the difference between a middle finger and a pinky.
So.
Sven and I have been discussing different training methods in order to get a handle on our very vocal pooch.
Our latest strategy is to purchase a couple of those real fancy motorcycle helmets. The kind with microphones to talk into and speakers inside. That way we could communicate while sitting next to each other on our couch.
In order to do this, we will need a little help from our nephew, Rupert, to get everything all hooked up to the TV and to Google Home.
And there is always that Wi-Fi issue.
But.
Maybe he can find a hot spot or put up an antenna or something.
Other than living with perpetually bad hair, I see it as a win.
I think Hunter will be rather cute.
Perhaps even comical, standing in front of us with his head thrown back and jaws wide open.
All the while we will be listening to the people working at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company for the millionth time on the millionth rerun.
I cannot even imagine how funny The Office will be, with sound.
But as we all know, nothing in life is free.
So, we are going to need funding for this in home wireless helmet set up.
And we are gonna want extra helmets in case we ever get company.
Realistically we cannot expect everyone to bring their own helmet headsets from home.
This is why Hunter finally went out and found himself a real job.
Because we put our feet down.
No more Mr. Dog from hell, getting away with his half assed pre-rinse job on the dishes.
We as doting canine parents understand that we must be strict.
That Hunter must pay his dues.
And my lord, Sven and I could not be any prouder of the beast.
Already he is the number one, top dog guy, at the new clinic.
SCHOOL OF A DEF DOG
And boy.
Things are really taking off there.
People who are of the opinion that they cannot hear have been flocking to the black hole, from all around the world.
Some are even calling it, The Miracle Hole.
At Hunter's def school, a person will learn once and for all whether or not they can hear.
For some, Hunter's voice has been the first sound they have ever experienced.
And some have mentioned that they preferred not experiencing sound after all.
But at least they have had the experience.
"This has been quite an ear opener," said a wide eyed, satisfied customer just yesterday.
The one-time procedure is simple.
Upon arrival at School of a Def Dog, you are given the choice to be treated with or without our OSHA approved ear plugs.
Once you have paid your fee and have signed the waiver, you will be invited to sit on our living room couch and make yourself at home.
Hunter will enter from wherever the hell he happens to be coming from.
If he is digging a hole, you may have to wait a bit.
If he is swimming in the pond, you will want to wait a bit.
If he is chasing squirrels away from his bird feeder, he will be right back.
In any event, at some point, in will wander the wonder dog.
The dog with the booming voice.
The dog who knows how to howl at the moon.
The lead singer of his own band.
After he stops to inspect and then snub the food in his dish, he will eventually spot you over there on the sofa.
Hopefully you will have had ample time to get prepared.
Some prefer to have a glass or two of wine beforehand.
Some prefer whiskey.
And the brave and naïve dare to take it straight on.
Hunter will click his way over to you on the wood floor.
Sit down directly in front of you.
And stare.
This classic warning will last only a few seconds.
So, you might want to set your wine down.
Especially if you have chosen the red.
Because he is about to throw his head back, open his jaws wide, and scream, "Pour some sugar on me baby!!!!"
Right in your face.
Now.
If you heard Hunter's favorite Def Leppard line from Hunter's favorite Def Leppard song.
You are cured.
If you didn't understand the words, but you heard very loud and obnoxious barking.
You are cured.
If you didn't hear a peep.
There ain't a dog gone thing anybody can do for you.
So.
To find out more about School of a Def Dog, email us at millie&svendefdogschool@miraclehole.com