On today's Cat Talk, phamous pheline psychiatrist, Millie M.D. Noe, pays a visit to the home of Oreo.
"Hello, Oreo. I am so glad you accepted my knock, knock on your door."
"I didn't answer it."
"Yes, well, we don't need to bore our audience with minor details."
"Our audience?"
"You my dear, are on, Cat Talk."
"I am?"
"Yes, you are replacing Finley. I couldn't catch that little brother of yours."
"What is cat talk?"
"Cat Talk, is my new show. Each week I interview a troubled pheline like yourself. And then and I fix you."
"Not interested."
"Well, my granddaughter, your mother Iris, thought it would be a good idea. She says you spend a lot of time in her room. And a lot of it under her bed. She says you don't care much for people."
"Correct."
"I am here to change that."
"Why?"
"So that you spend more time out in the rest of this big house with the rest of your big family and all their gazillions of friends and.."
"No thanks. I got Iris."
"Yes, but what about all the love everyone else wants to give you?"
"Don't need it."
"What about Finley?"
"If he ever stops sliding across the wood floor like Tom Cruise in his underwear, I might be willing to spend some time with him."
"That makes sense. But, what about all the people who come to your house. Many have never even seen you. Some think you are a figment of Iris' imagination. And Iris doesn't need any more reasons for people to think she is crazy. Ever since she was a tiny girl when she told Derek, a grown man, that if he ate her candy, she would burn his house down, he's been freaked out. She has an aunt and uncle who still break out in a cold sweat when they tell the story of that Sunday in church when your mother was in her mother's arms facing the pew behind her, where they happened to be seated. They say your mother stared them down with her big black eyes, like she was the devil herself. Not to mention when her Grandpa Sven and I used to babysit. She would walk around our house wearing a pair of Grandpa's old glasses and carry a set of keys to nowhere, claiming she was Mr. Ma'am, the fixit man. And even though she was considered to be advanced for her age when giving her big sister, Oceanne, advice about boys, at only four years. I don't think, 'kicking him in the nuts and calling him stupid,' is any more acceptable than when she yelled, "Oceanne! Use your nails! Use your nails!" While simultaneously kicking her great uncle Jerry in the shins so that he would let go of Oceanne's ankles and drop her on her head."
"What?"
"Oreo, your mother was the apple of late Great Grandpa Bob's eye. But even he confessed that she always made him play school. And she always got to be the teacher. And she was very bossy. And..."
"Millie?"
"Yes?"
"What does any of this have to do with me?"
"These are the reasons you should come out of your room."
"I like it quiet."
"Oh."
"I like it dark."
"I see."
"And I like it under the bed."
"So in other words, you are happy right here?"
"Yes. And I will be euphoric once you leave."
"Well, maybe this would be a good place to end our show for today. There you have it, folks. Not only is our patient happy after just one session with Dr. Noe. She is euphoric. And you heard it here, on, Cat Talk."
"Get out of my room."
"Be sure to tune in next week when we have a chat with Finley, the cat who tells is like it is."
