Another Exciting Chapter about NOTHING.
Meeting Place: Chez Le Mere – Le Condo
Les Temps: 77 degrees
Attendez: Ma mere, Ma soeur, Mon Amie Giselle, Mon Amie Claudette,
Les Chats: Maxwell Smarte et Morrie Amsterdam, et moi
Hors d’oeuvres: Pommes de Chips et dip de la Francais Onion
Official BS Business: Une officiale vote was taken por ce next meeting to be moved to Thursday, on account de Louisa who es moving Bridgette Luanne on Wednesday.
Maxwelle Smarte voted non to le change.
He likes por his life to be consistente. Mais, alas there were six OUIs, et une officiale vote es une officiale vote.
BS Topics et conversations: Claudette began, "La reunionne de ma famille was une disaster. Les frères, including ma husband, almost got into une fight avec les fists." "Oh, that sounds mauvais," said le other members. "Oui. Le problem es that vous don't know who es going to partake en les spirits et who es not. There es always someone who es abstaining et someone who es not, mais who probably should. Some years all de la famille might decline les spirits et some years all de la famille might partake. It es tres hard to plan le evente. When all de les peoples say non to les cocktails, there es not enough foods. When all de les peoples partake en les beverages, there es too much foods. I am le only membre de la famille who es consistently consistente, et always, always, always, partake." Ma mere said, "Well vous should be proud." Et then ma soeur said, "Claudette, how did votre interview go?" Et Claudette said, "It went bon. Ce next Tuesday I will go to la hospital et be une shadow to une nurse." "Oh," I said, "that is tres excitemente news. Do vous pense that I could shadow vous while vous are une shadow to une nurse?" Et she said, "Non." Et then le topic switched to le all importante subject that always takes precedence over every other topic except por perhaps les birthing de les childs, that es correct,
les hairs. It commenced avec les hairs on les tetes. Claudette was saying, "I have been having les terrible reactionnes du les rinses. Et le last time mes lids du mes eyes puffed up." Ma soeur exclaimed, "Oh, non! What are vous going to do?" Et Claudette said, "Ma dresser de mes hairs (who es her soeur) says she es going to take out all de la colour avec le bleach. Then I will have les blanc hairs." I said, "Do vous mean like Giselle?" Et Claudette said, "Non, I don't pense mine will be shiny." Et Giselle said, "Would vous all quit looking at moi?" Et then le conversationne moved over to les hairs on les faces. Ma mere parlezed about les hairs that sprout out de les chins. This led moi to tell ma famous story. "It was le jour that I skied ma last Birkebeiner Race de les skis de la Country Crossing. It was le jour that les temps plummeted et did not follow le weather on le news, which caused Sven to put le wrong wax on mes skis por les temps, which caused les skis to stick to le snow instead de glide. Mes fingers were frozen solid parce que I had not worn le correct gloves por les temps. So mes feets et mes hands did not work. I nearly froze to morte out en les woods that jour. Mais, le bon news es that I had removed les hairs above ma upper lip le matin before le race. I did not want to be une de les peoples avec less bugares de la snow hanging off de ma cookie duster.
Mais Non! Apres six hours du skiing up et down les hills, I was pulled ento une tente por le warming where I recieved all kind de les warnings from les officiales du la race about all de les cases de les bites de la frosts. Mais, après verifying avec une kind monsieur de la departmente de les fires that I did not have any mascara smudges under mes eyes, I went back out to fini la WORST et le last race de ma life.
Finally, when I was en le automobile, après crawling over le line de la finish et I was bitching away to Sven avec ma story du horror, where I was screaming les obscenities enside mon tete about le snow covered lake from hell, that I would never, ever again cross, unless I was enside une boat, I pulled down le visor et saw ma face en le mirror. This es when I screamed murder that was bloody, et scared le ever living crappee out du Sven. "What?" he said. I said, "Look at ma face!
I looked just like this, except there were non snow bugares on ma upper lip.
"Et that was le jour that I realized that there es hairs all over ma whole face."
Giselle said,"Well, I used to pluck les extra hairs de mes eyebrows over et over et over et over et
FINALLY they got la hinte et they quit growing there."
Then I looked at Giselle et I said, "Do vous know that vous have a sweatshirt on?" Et she said, "Oui." Et I said, "Mais aren't vous too chaud?" Et she said, "Non."
Then ma mere said, "Claudette, do vous know that ma dresser de les hairs es doing les hairs por les peoples at la place de l'assisted living?"
Claudette said, "Votre dresser de les hairs is une idiote. She es une grand pain en le derriere."
Ma mere said, "Ma dresser de mes hairs does not know that I know vous."
Et then Giselle said, "Non, we don't ever admit to anybody that we know vous."
Then Claudette changed le subject. "La hospital sent une questionnaire avec thirty questionnes about moi to la place de l'assisted living. Ma old visor de la super said she never saw so many de les questionnes. She asked moi if I was applying to be le next president."
Et then ma mere said, "Did they ask to see votre certificate du la birthe?"
Then ma soeur said, "Claudette, what did votre husband say when vous told him that vous were fired from le place du l'assisted living?"
Claudette answered, "Ma husband said, 'Well that's what vous wanted. Bon for vous.' Mais, then over ce weekend en front du all de les peoples at la reunionne de la famille, he said, 'Well at least I have une job.' Et then he looked right at moi."
Les membres de le Club gasped en disbelief.
Claudette went on. "I said to ma husband, 'Don't vous even talk to moi por le reste de la soir."
Les membres de le Club nodded en les approvals.
Claudette said, "Le next matin ma husband said to moi, "Je suis sorry, I was une real Hole avec une ASS, por saying that."
I said to Claudette, "Es that le neuvaux sex de la make up?"
Et Claudette said, "Non doubt. That es as bon as it gets."
Et then Giselle said, "I was paid 75$ du jour por inhaling from une bong-like piece de l'equipemente at ma appointemente por experimenting avec ma asthma. Then I had to exhale por as long as I could."
Ma soeur said, "Was it hard to do?"
Giselle said, "Oui. Et now, por le next twelve heurs, I can not use ma inhaler por la rescue."
Claudette et moi looked at each other avec les grand eyes.
Then ma soeur said, "I have some news. Du jour I got fired from part de ma job."
La room full de les membres grew quiet. Even
Morrie Amsterdam, rolled over to listen to la story.
Louisa continued. "Vous see, en le first week de ma job por le summer, I did not know that I was supposed to replace les products de les papers en le room de la rest por le shots de la grandes. On les Wednesdays et les Fridays I go to work early et I vacuum et I clean la room de la rest. All de la summer I have been asking la custodianne, Gregg, avec deux g's, to order more de la special products de les papers por le V.I.P. room de la rest.
I interrupted et said, "Porquoi would vous have deux G's on le nommer Gregg?"
"Et Louisa said, "Parce que vous are une idiote."
All de les membres agreed.
Ma soeur went on. "Gregg avec deux g's told moi not to worry when I told him les papers were getting low. He said there es plenty more over at l'ecole du high. Le next week went by et I saw Gregg avec deux g's again et I reminded him that I needed some more de la fancy shit por la room de la rest. He said, non worries Louisa. There es plenty at l'ecole du high. I will bring some demain. Mais le next week went by et I reminded him again et he would said le same thing. Finally ce matin, I said, Gregg I really need more de those fancy paperes. Les dipenseres are almost empty. There es non left por les toileterries. Now there es only les towels de les papers et they are almost gone too. So Gregg avec deux g's said to moi, Non worries, Louisa, I will replace them du jour."
Le Club de BS was waiting.
"Well," said Louisa, "While I was at ma mason eating ma sandwich por ma lunch I received une text from ma visor de la super et it said, 'Louisa, this es le second time ce summer that les papers have been empty. Do not worry, Gregg avec deux g's came over et took care de la situationne. From now on I will have Linda take care de ma room de la rest."
"OMD!!" Exclaimed le Club de BS Membres. "Es Gregg avec deux g's still alive?"
Et then it was time por le Shake du Jour
"Ma mere....I need some papers. Ma book de la notes et full! Vite, le shake es commencing."
Bartender du jour: Claudette
Numbre du jour: Une
Rules: Une dollar to play, five of a kind to win half de le pot, trois shakes et farming is allowed.
1st Shaker: Ma Mere……………resulte…………ZERO.
2nd Shaker: Ma Soeur...........resulte...........trois.
3rd Shaker: Gisellle………..resulte……..deux. (Just like Gregg avec deux g's)
4th Shaker: Moi.........resulte..........Une.
5th Shaker: Claudette............resulte...........Une.
Porquoi do we even play ce game?? Give moi DEUX good reasons.
Join us s'il vous plait por le next grand adventure at Le Club de BS. Vous do not want to miss it.
