BS Club Minutes January 31, 2013

No entree vous unless you like hick stories told ala Hillbillee Francais.

Date: Wednesday: January 31, 2013 Temps: Colder than SHIT.  Meeting Place: Le Condo Attendez: Ma mere, Ma soeur,  Mon Amie Giselle, Les Chats: Maxwell Smarte et Morrie Amsterdam, et moi Excusee?  Pardonne?  What did you say?  “Oh I am happy to report that there is une rumore circulating that Mon Amie Claudette may be attending BS Club ce soir."  We are meeting on Thursday due to le snowstorm yesterday et Claudette's classe du water aerobics was yesterday.  Claudette is still attending la classe since le new year et is looking tres sleek et sexy.  Le rumore has been confirmed.  Mais oui, Claudette is on her way. "What?  She said she forgot we rescheduled?  Did she not see le announcemente on le Today Show this morning, or hear it on le radio in her car, or see it on le news last night?  Is she living under une rock? I opened le garage door in preparation por her late upcoming arrival." Refreshmentes: Fancy Dancy Tortilla Chips, XOCHITL, ma mere said le bag cost $5.00!! Tres delicious hot et spicy as hell salsa, legumes such as les radishes, les carrotts et les peppers, spread du fromage et les ever presentes crackers to spread le spread du fromage upon. Moi: “Why is Claudette knocking on le side door?”” Ma soeur: “Uh-oh.  I closed le garage door.” Moi: “Porquois?  I opened le garage door por her.  She doesn’t know le code.” Ma soeur: “Oops. I saw that it was open so I closed it.” Claudette:  “Bonjour mes amies.”  Then she went straight to le cabinet et found her own special plastique for safety reasons, wine glass. Official BS News:  Ma mere’s carpet layers will be coming on Monday, February le fourth to tear out le old carpet et to bring in le new carpet in le condo living room. Not only will they bring in le new carpet, they will lay le new carpet.  That is why they call them, les carpet layers.  Unfortunately ma mere had une tragedy to announce.  C’est domage. C’est tragique.  Her vacuum has stopped sucking.  Having une vacuum that does not suck, sucks.  Le timing could not be any worse.  Ma mere will want to vacuum le new carpet et also le old carpet après our husbands remove les furnitures on Sunday.  Ma soeur did not believe that her appliance whispering skills could fix le old vacuum, parfait this sounded more serious and a tad more technical.  Ma soeur is better at fixing appliances by unplugging them et then plugging them in again.  Giselle will ask her technically talented  fil to look at it, mais he will be out of town por une week.  C’est domage. Le terrible timing. BS Topics:  Our friend has commenced dating après last year when her husband told her that he did not love her anymore et he broke her heart.  He said that she was too fat.  Le dirty bastarde.  Mais, now that she is seeing a hot guy who is tres fun et she is tres happy et smiling all le time, le bastarde husband wants her back.  Her new boyfriend loves her just the way she is. Now le dirty bastarde husband wants her to go to counseling et now he does not think she is too fat.  Le dirty, dirty bastarde.  Giselle is not only wearing her bra du jour she is also wearing le mascara. She has une bottle du water, une glass de bierre et une petite shot du jager in front of her.  Giselle is back.  She was going to do her nebulizer but decided she would prefer to apply le mascara et forget about breathing properly por an evening.  Claudette has developed her annual winter cough.  She said it comes each day apres le sun goes down.  It is une vampire cough.  La place de l’assisted living is keeping Claudette tres busy, especially le woman who does not like to keep her clothes on.  She likes to go into les other rooms de les residentes et mess avec their stuff et sleep in their beds et upset les tranquilites.  Le Chat: Maxwell Smarte was trying to read his mail on le counter et ma mere was telling him that he should do that another time.  Mais, he did not listen to her et kept right on reading le mail. [one_half][/one_half] [one_half_last]Claudette said that les skinny people have le worst vessels parfait their vessels are skinny too.  She feeds her chat real butter.  She thinks her chat may have high cholesterol, although it has not been checked.  He is not skinny, so his vessels are probably not skinny either.  Maybe he is okay and does not need it checked. Ma mere said that if we think that we are dinosaurs then that makes her le mere du dinosaurs.  La dinosaur du all dinosaurs. I told le story of le time that I was going to be une school bus driver et I had mon petit enfant avec moi in his infant seat.  Le monsieur showed moi how to drive le bus forward, mais not how to back it up.  I drove away avec mon petite enfant to practice mon lesson.  Since I could not back up I could not turn around on le country road so I kept on[/one_half_last] driving et then I got lost with farms all around moi.  Finally I saw a sign por le interstate highway, so I merged onto it et drove back to le bus place with le fuel needle on E.  Le monsieur was tres happy to see moi, parfait he thought that perhaps I was not coming back et that I had stolen le bus.  He thought that perhaps he should call les police.  Giselle said, “How could you have been a school bus driver?  You can’t even parallel park.”  I thought that I could have been une school bus driver parfait, ignorance is bliss et I was tres blissful.  Then Claudette said, “ Hey what is that dinging sound that I keep on hearing?”  It was Le Wheel of Fortune on le television.

And then it was time por le Shake du Jour

Bartender du jour:  Ma Mere Numbre du jour:  One Rules: Une dollar to play, five of a kind to win half le pot, (le pot is tres full..at last count there was more than $100.00) three shakes et farming is allowed. 1^st Shaker: Claudette……………resulte…………three, ones.  Not bad, mais no prize por Claudette. 2^nd Shaker: Moi…………resulte…….one stinking one. 3rd Shaker: Giselle……….resulte…….the same stinking one that I got. 4^th Shaker: ma soeur………..resulte……..two ever loving ones.  No prize por ma soeur. 5^th et final shaker: ma mere…………resulte……….two crappy ones.  No prize por la dinosaur mere.

Check in next week  et keep your fingers crossed that one of us will win le shake du jour before mes tauntes et mes cousins come next weekend por a tres  wild et fun girls weekend, where there will be lots of of shaking going on at le condo.

I do believe that we over stayed our visit. 

[caption id="attachment_1401" align="alignnone" width="612"] Le party is over[/caption]