The ALL-NON-inclusive Burnt Dam Hotel, located just outside Townsend, Wisconsin, has been sold.
I know.
Tragic.
The lady at the front desk had assured us that there would be a binding clause in the contract stating that The Burnt Dam would remain open one weekend a year for the Noe women.
It was a lie. There was no such clause. Even though the place did not meet all of the requirements of a top-notch Triple B Hotel, it was in fact the only hotel that allowed the Noe women in.
And we had grown accustomed over the years to the lady at the front desk who sounded just like my cousin Tari on the phone, always lying about room service that was on its way and check in and check out times. We clearly understood that there was not a Gideon's Bible in room six the morning that my Aunt Victoire threw a King James version at my sister Louisa and I, simply for asking. We no longer blinked an eye at all of the slouches sleeping out in the lobby on blow up mattresses. We looked the other way when my Aunt Susie Le Q came strolling into the dining room for a continental breakfast with one eye closed and the other one shut.
We no longer thought it strange that my uncle moved into that tiny doll house in the back yard when we pulled up.
Because even with all its faults, The Burnt Dam was a Triple B with a heart and a soul. A place where robins sauntered past windows. A place without a pool or a hot tub, but it did have two showers. A place you had the chance to bump into that pack of Harley guys from Green Bay who sometimes stayed at the Triple B for men, down the road.
A place you could walk to The Sunset, watch your sister-in-law kiss the wrong man on the lips under a large mustache, enjoy a round of red headed sluts, lose ten bucks watching diamonds and witches spin inside machines, hear your tiny aunt say, "Which corner do you wanna lay in?"
And then top the evening off with apple pie shots for dessert before heading back to the good Ol' Burnt Dam.
Gone are the days of lounging lazily out on the sunny back deck.
Never more the surprise wedding showers held for people who have been married twenty-six and a half years.
Never again the leisurely afternoons singing Frere Jacques at the top of our lungs on the guided pontoon ride on the otherwise peaceful lake.
That place was the real deal.
It was worth every penny. And we never paid a dime.
The Burnt Dam Hotel was an absolute solid D plus in my book.
Hold on a second.
My phone is ringing. It had better not be a pollster.
"What Louisa?"
The mood of our nation is dismal. Who will be president? What is going to happen?
It is almost November.
I have already gained my winter weight.
And just when I think I cannot take anymore, Sven tells me that day light savings is going to end.
So, the news my sister just delivered could not have come at a better time.
You see, we are going to Oshkosh for my cousin's book signing next week.
And Louisa just told me this.
"Millie, The Burnt Dam Hotel, has been relocated to Oshkosh. It is open. And I just booked us a lobby room for the night."
"We are staying overnight?" I said.
"Yes."
"In the lobby?"
"That's all they had left."
I guess I will change into my Triple B Hotel Inspector outfit and I will be back with a professional review in a week.
ONE WEEK LATER
THE BURNT DAM TWO REVIEW
It is small.
It is blue.
It has curb appeal.
As we pulled up to the address in hand we oooohed and aaaaahed at the cute little hotel sitting on the corner of a quiet street, just three blocks from the lake.
We were greeted by my uncle who showed us where not to park.
Once inside we were given a tour by my Aunt Victoire.
There was another guest already there. It was my Aunt Susie Le Q. She was sitting in the lobby on the couch.
Back in April Susie Le Q had a mishap.
She broke her knee cap.
I thought that only happened with baseball bats to those who don't pay their gambling debts.
Susie Le Q claims that she fell down. Between you and me, if she is ever pulled out of the river wrapped with chains attached to a nine pound bowling ball, I will no longer believe her story.
What I do believe for certain, is that her knee cap was busted. It is now the largest part of her anatomy.
Unfortunately for Susie Le Q, it is still quite stiff and very numb.
For those of us who frequent the Burnt Dam Hotel Chain of Resorts, Susie Le Q has always been the only sliver of hope we held onto for coffee delivery.
While my heart was pained watching her painful peg-leg-like gait, it was clear, she would no longer be head of room service. And even if she was, there would be nothing left in the cups by the time she got them to us.
Soon my cousin Amy arrived.
She brought her little guy, Arthur.
Apparently we had never met Arthur.
He is like three.
You know how Facebook is.
I thought I knew him.
"No, we have never met him," said Louisa.
I wonder how many other little virtual second cousins I have that I have never met.
Anyway, he was adorable in the flesh. He especially liked playing soccer in the lobby.
Burnt Dam Hotels do not really cater to males.
There is a shed in the back yard at this new location, however, it is filled with shed things.
That is why my uncle would have to stay with us.
Room Three, when The Burnt Dam doesn't have any guests and is just a house, is known as the computer room. Gary could at least go and watch TV in there. Room Three also would double later as Susie Le Q's room. According to Le Q, the love seat would be perfect for her to sleep with her feet in the air. Apparently, that is how she sleeps now.
"Where is the front desk?" I asked.
"There is no front desk," answered my aunt. "We had to downsize and the front desk had to go."
"Where is the lady at the front desk?"
"She's watching the Badger game with a friend. She'll be here later. And she isn't spending the night."
AMENITIES:
A Hair dryer.
Free Wi-Fi.
The password is posted in Room Three.
X452-641-LORAZAPAM-JJ-1672-BE-22-DAZZLE-EPLURIBUS-EUPHRATES-2269-F-U-C-K-555-4427-SUPERCALIFRAGALISTEXPALIDOSOUS-789422-64-5491-MISSISSIPPI-JOHN-HURT-36-26-36-totally-FREE-WIFI-AT-BURNT-DAMN-NUMBER-TWO-54901-OSHKOSH-WI.
CONTACTS:
See Reservations.
RESERVATIONS:
See Contacts.
VIRTUAL TOUR AND GUEST REVIEWS:
Oh. I love the Burnt Dam Hotel Two. It's cozy. And that big window in the lobby is great for people watching on the sidewalk. That's all they do is there is rate the people and their dogs walking by. It is definitely a Two Star in my book. Anonymous
If you ask me, the bar could use some beefing up. I got there late because I was off that day with my friend watching the Badger game and one thing led to another and you know how that goes. When I got to the dam my particular choice of wrongdoing wasn't in supply. My dad did go out and get some for me. But still. Tari
I thought the heat could have been turned up a notch. Sleeping in Room Three wasn't bad, but the people in Room Two were still carrying on after three in the morning and the walls are paper thin. So even though my feet were in the air where I like them when I sleep since the kneecap incident, I really wanted to bring them down, go over to that room and plant them up their asses. Susie Le Q
I slept on the lobby couch. VERY comfortable. I didn't hear a thing. The Burnt Dam Two is a real winner. I would give it four stars. Amy
I love the new Burnt Dam. I shared Room Number Two with my sister, Victoire. We slept like babies. Genvieve
For a blow-it-up-yourself mattress in the lobby kind of accommodations, I thought it was top notch. I would definitely go back. But I would split up the people in room two. Louisa
I found the evening to be rather long. But then being cooped up in the computer room with all that traffic coming in there trying to get that Wi-Fi password straight could wear on anybody. Gary
For our first guests of the season, and only being in the house for a couple of weeks, I think things went extremely well. I stayed in Room Two with my sister, Genvieve. We slept like babies. Victoire
The chatter coming out of Room Two at 3:00 AM was quite disconcerting. It woke Louisa up and then she tried to kick me out of our lobby bed. Guests were sitting at the dining room table at like 8:00 AM, talking. The dining room table is located in the lobby right behind the ever-loving couch. Fortunately, Room One was vacated early and the sheets were still warm. I high tailed it in there. Louisa was right behind me. It was good timing. Adorable little Arthur and his father came to retrieve Arthur's mother. We would have scared the Bejesus out of the innocent little thing who had to go home and get dressed up as Chuckie for a Halloween Party. I would just like to mention that it was not Halloween. What changed what I thought was going to be a terrible review, ended up being the room service. Louisa and I dialed the nonexistent front desk, and Susie Le Q answered the phone. "I can't bring you guys coffee!" she screamed. But you know what? Susie Le Q is very resourceful, peg-leg and all. There we were wondering what to do and my uncle showed up with two cups of real good java. He even came back later with a refill. I give The Burnt Dam Two, Two thumbs up. It is a solid D plus in my book. Millie
Feeling refreshed after such a restful evening at the Burnt Dam Hotel Two, we went to my cousin's book signing.
Fred the Big Red, written by Beth Heuer, animation by Grandma Jenny. All profits go to charity. You should check it out.
Beth, please write the third book in your series as slow as possible. We need a little bit of time to recover. And between you and me, if you stay at the Burnt Dam, that Wi-Fi password doesn't work.
